dysphoria

mistaken to be “someone else”!

overwrOught — Sun, 28 Sep 2008 13:19:22 +0000

even though how much i try to abolish myself from anyone concerning my consort’s past, there are still things that would still make me remember it. grrrrh!

when me and my baby were boarding the “tricycle” to ride our way home, the driver mentioned something like this, “oi, ang anak nih jonel..”. and all of a sudden, the guy boarding at his back immediately commented, “kinsa?”. and so the driver replied, “dara oh..”, referring to me and my baby.. he then quite commented in awe, “hala, naa na d’i anak si jonel?”.. then the driver just replied a simple yes to that question.

i thought that was the end of the conversation.. but then, that guy asked me with no consent.. “ikaw ba tong taga bago?”.. waaaah! my ears almost fumed with fire when i heard the question.. why on earth did he ask me that? well actually, the girl he was referring to was my hubby’s ex-gf.. grrrh.. pagkamalan ba aq na aq yun? bullsheyt! grrrh!

i just replied with a mocking laugh.. and then he was settled. he sure had received NO as my answer! duh!

well, simple things like that can make me reach boiling point.. yeah, every single thing that has something to do with my hubby’s past makes me so damn insanely affected. i hate it!

traumatized? exactly!

“ikaw ba tong taga bago?”

hell no!

“pag shur oi!”

a strange reverie

overwrOught — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 02:30:44 +0000

before i go to sleep, i always pray that i won’t be dreaming things that would just remind me of betrayals, pains, heartaches, and sorrows from the past. but almost every night, i fail with my prayers. i know i should not blame God about that because they say, if you can’t help yourself from thinking about certain things, you will end up dreaming about it.

last night was another awful bedtime for me. i slept at about 10 mins. passed 12 midnight. i woke my hubby up because i was thinking he might want to play his favorite online game. and so, he woke up, and kissed me good night. i don’t know but during my sleep, i was able to acknowledge that i was dreaming. i dreamt of someone, whom i didn’t know.. she was a girl. and the situation was like this: she was chatting with my husband. the scenario was very much the same before i went to bed to sleep (the way how i left my husband to play last night). they were chatting, exchanging email adds, IMs, and friendster accounts. haha! sooo weird. i can even remember the name of that girl. her name was “eysha”.. just wondering how i was able to remember it until now. i can see in my dream that my husband was at his very enjoyable moment chatting with that gal. i wanted to protest but i was sleeping. suddenly, i woke up.

3am, my husband was on his way to our bed to sleep beside me. i told him about my weird dream but he just laughed at it. he hugged me tight and kissed me. he told me to relax myself and try to never think of things that would just hurt me ‘coz it won’t ever happen between us.

i know he loves me, and so do i.. we kissed and then went back to sleep.

or did we really go back to sleep right away? hmmn.. last night was so sweet. haha! just kidding

unveiling

overwrOught — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 02:13:40 +0000

i don’t know if i can call my life a jackpot. i am with a man who, (not exactly the man of my dreams, but) is slightly close to the man i most wanted to be with my whole life. physically, i can say he is 95% out of 100. attitude? let’s say, he is totally responsible, caring, loving, sweet, and understanding. however, he sometimes shows his insensitivity especially when it deals with “my” emotional concerns. maybe he has gone too tired of my never-ending emotional-wreckage.

what brought me the idea of writing this blog is that i want to record all my poignant memoirs with the man i truly love. our relationship is close to perfect, not until i’ve realized that until now, i can’t and i think i could never really accept his past.

i know i should not tackle about his past anymore because all have changed already. but because of the pain he brought me, which was entirely because of his “past”, made me quite emotionally disturbed and jaded. i don’t really like the feeling. i want to forget about it but i just can’t.. and i don’t know why

we had just celebrated our 26th-monthsary last 20th.. can i still get over from the negative feeling i have? i’m so much afraid that just because of my insanity when it comes to his past, our relationship won’t work out. i know he loves me so much now and that he has totally moved on.. the only hindrance is — ME..

i love him.. and i’m afraid to lose him.. i just hate myself for being so damn emotional..